Anger Management

Anger is a completely normal and usually healthy human emotion. It could be regarded as a ‘safety valve’ that relieves tension and stress. But when anger is more than a fleeting moment of annoyance and becomes rage, it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable, uncontrollable and powerful emotion. When it gets out of control and becomes destructive, it can lead to problems at work, in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. What are the symptoms of anger?

Anger can be caused by both external and internal factors. You may become angered by an individual (such as a supervisor criticising you at work or by something your partner says) or by an event (such as a traffic jam or a cancelled flight), or by worrying about personal problems, or by remembering a traumatic event.

Why does anger occur?

People who are easily angered often have what some psychologists call a ‘low tolerance for frustration’. In effect, they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in their stride, and are especially infuriated if a situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake. A number of factors can make these people the way they are
Genetic or physiological factors
There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age.
Socio-cultural
Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research has also found that family background may be involved: many easily angered people come from a family background that is disruptive and chaotic, with poor emotional communication.

Are there different types of anger?

The expression of anger can take many forms:
Hot-headedness
Many anger management psychologists believe that some people really are more ‘hot-headed’ than others; they are predisposed to anger more easily and intensely than an average person.
Grumpiness
Some people don't show their anger in loud spectacular outbursts but are chronically irritable, grumpy and curmudgeonly.
Sulkiness
Some easily angered people don't always show their anger by shouting and throwing things; instead they sulk and withdraw socially. Sometimes they become physically ill.
Cynicism
People who are constantly putting others down, criticising everything and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they are unlikely to have many successful relationships.

How to deal with anger

The natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively, because anger is the instinctive response to a threat. In fact, the ability to become angry is necessary for our survival. A perceived threat inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours that enable us to defend ourselves by fighting back when we are attacked.
But in modern society it is unacceptable to physically attack every person or object that irritates or annoys us: laws, social conventions and common sense place limits on how much anger is acceptable.
Instead, most people use a variety of conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main techniques are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
Expressing
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive (rather than aggressive) manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Suppressing
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inwards, on yourself, which may lead to hypertension (high blood pressure) or depression. Unexpressed anger can also create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or to the development of a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile.
Calming
Another way to deal with angry feelings is simply to calm down. This means not just controlling your outward behaviour, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate and let the angry feelings subside. Mentally counting up to ten is one of the ways of doing this.
What anger management techniques are there?
Should you just let it all out? Psychologists now believe that this is a dangerous thing to do. Research has found that letting it out actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) to resolve the situation. Instead, it's best to find out what circumstances trigger your anger, and then develop strategies to keep the triggers from tipping you over the edge.  The following techniques may help.
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help to calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you have learned the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Cognitive restructuring
Put simply, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to swear, or shout abusively in terms that reflect their innermost thoughts. But when you're angry, your thinking can become very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these negative thoughts with more rational ones. For example, instead of telling yourself, "it's terrible, everything's ruined", tell yourself "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry won’t improve the situation”. It’s good if you can avoid words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. Phrases such as "this !&*%@ machine never works", or "you're always forgetting things" are not only inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. And they alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to help you to find a solution. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Better communication
Angry people tend to jump to conclusions, and then act on them, but the conclusions may be quite inaccurate. The first thing to do if a heated discussion is developing is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but instead pause and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying.
And think about what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your partner wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by seeing them as a jailer, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to become defensive when you're criticised, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: is there a message that this person feels neglected and unloved? It might take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger, or a partner's anger, let a situation escalate and spin out of control. Remaining calm can stop the situation becoming disastrous.
Humour
Sometimes humour can help to defuse rage, by helping you to gain a more balanced perspective. Next time you get angry and want to call someone a name stop and picture what that name would literally look like. For example, if you're at work and you think of a colleague as a "dirt-bag", picture a large bag full of dirt sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, or going to meetings. This will take the edge off your fury.
Change your environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that cause anger. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. You may need to change your job or circumstances, or perhaps your attitude.
Give yourself a break
Make sure you have some personal time scheduled for the time of day that you become particularly stressed. One example, if you are a working mother, have a rule that when you come home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to mum unless the house is on fire." That will give you a chance to unwind and mentally prepare for the problems you will inevitably have to tackle. ?
Change your timing
If you and your partner tend to fight when you discuss things at night (perhaps because you're tired, or maybe it's just habit) try changing the time when you talk about important matters.
Avoidance
If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door so that you don’t have to look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "If John cleans his room I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to stay calm and avoid things that make you angry.
Find alternatives
If your daily commute through heavy traffic makes you angry and frustrated, find a different route that's less congested or more scenic. Or travel by bus or train.  

When is it right to seek treatment?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control and is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counselling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other counsellor can work with you in developing a range of techniques to change your thinking and your behaviour.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell them that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about their approach to anger management. Make sure that they offer more than simply a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them" – that may be precisely what your problem is.

With counselling, psychologists say that a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.