Dealing with bereavement
How you respond to a death or a bereaved person will be very individual and personal. Below are some of the things that people often say when someone dies. They may help you to feel that you are not completely alone, or to understand what someone you know is going through.
“I can't believe it.”
It may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. Some people carry on as if nothing has happened. It is hard to believe that someone important is not coming back.
“I feel nothing.”
The shock can make you numb, and you may feel that you're in a different world.
“Why did it have to happen?”
Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel that someone has died before their time or when you had plans for the future together.
“I feel such pain.”
Physical and mental pain can feel completely overwhelming and very frightening.
“I go over it again and again.”
You can't stop thinking about the events leading up to the death.
“If only…”
You may feel guilty about things you said or did, or that you didn't say or do.
“I feel so depressed, life has no meaning. I can't go on.”
Many people say there are times after a death when they feel that there is nothing worth living for, and they feel like ending it all.
“I hear and see her; what is wrong with me?”
Thinking that you are hearing or seeing someone who has died is a common experience, and can happen when you least expect it.
“They said I'd be over it in a few months.”
Many people find that it takes much longer to learn to cope without someone to love.
“One minute I'm angry and the next minute I can't stop crying.”
Many people find the mood swings very frightening.
What you may experience
Someone close to you may have died. You may have been injured yourself or you may have witnessed the death and injury of others. Your experience was a very personal one, but the information here will help you to know how others have reacted in similar situations.
Fear
- Of damage to yourself and those you love.
- Of being left alone, of having to leave loved ones.
- Of 'breaking down' or 'losing control'.
- Of a similar event happening again.
- Helplessness.
- Crises show up human powerlessness as well as strength.
Sadness
- For deaths, injuries and losses of every kind.
Longing
Guilt
- For being better off than others, e.g. being alive or uninjured.
- Regrets for things not done.
Shame
- For having been exposed as helpless, 'emotional' and needing others.
- For not having reacted as you would have wished.
Anger
- At what has happened, at whoever caused it or allowed it to happen.
- At the injustice and senselessness of it all.
- At the shame and the indignities.
- At other peoples’ lack of understanding and inefficiencies.
- "Why me?"
Memories
- Of feelings of loss, or of love, for the other people in your life who have been injured or who have died.
Let down
- Disappointment for all the plans that cannot be fulfilled.
Hope
- For the future, for better times.
Numbness
- Your mind may allow the misfortune to be felt only slowly. At first you may feel numb. The event may seem unreal, like a dream, something that has not really happened. People often see this wrongly as being 'strong' or 'uncaring'.
Dreams
- You may find yourself repeatedly dreaming about what happened.
Accidents
- A disaster may become the main thing that you think about for a long time. The stress of this and the lack of ability to focus on the here and now may make you more accident-prone.
Alcohol and drugs
- The extra tension may lead you to increase your intake of substances that you feel dull the pain temporarily. It is important to seek help if this is happening repeatedly.
It is common to have some or all of these feelings after a disaster and you may experience them immediately or some time later. The feelings can be very strong and frightening, especially if a death was sudden or violent, or a body was not recovered, or if many people died. It can feel as if you are losing control or 'going mad', but for most people the feelings become less intense over time. Many people find that crying can give relief but it is also common to have other responses, such as a desire to be alone.
©Cruse Bereavement Care 2006
External link:
Cruse Bereavement Care Charity
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