Dealing with bereavement

Bereavement is a distressing but common experience that most of us undergo at some point in our lives. People react in many different ways to the death of someone close, because coping with bereavement is a very individual and personal matter. Some people become distraught while others are more calm and philosophical. The initial reaction to death is often a feeling of numbness and disbelief, and the grieving process following bereavement can be very lengthy.

In the period immediately after a death there are many things that bereaved people may become involved with, such as registering the death, arranging the funeral and dealing with the dead person’s estate. These help to keep the mind occupied, to some extent, but once they have all been dealt with, the implications and consequences of the death begin to sink in, and that can be a very challenging period of adjustment for everyone close to the deceased person. 

How do people react to bereavement

 Initially, most people find it hard to believe that someone important to them is not coming back, and that they will never see them again. Although some people manage to carry on as if nothing has happened, most people take a long time to come to terms with that fact. So it is quite normal to react by saying things like “I can't believe it”, or “why did it happen.”

Death can seem very cruel and unfair, especially if someone has died at a young or relatively young age. It can also be a very frightening experience, and the mental pain of coping can feel completely overwhelming. Some people even experience actual physical pain.

Depending on the circumstances of the death, some people find themselves going over the events leading up to the death again and again, and feeling that if only something had happened differently, the person would still be alive. Those feelings are particularly common with an accidental death.

Here are some other normal reactions to bereavement:

• Feeling guilty about things that you said or did to the dead person, or didn't say or do
• Feeling so depressed that there seems to be nothing worth living for. Some people even feel suicidal
• Repeatedly dreaming about what happened
• Believing that you can hear hearing or see the dead person
• Experiencing frightening mood swings where you switch from angst to anger in a moment, for no apparent reason
• Anger at the injustice and senselessness of it all
• Fear of breaking down or losing control
• Fear of harm coming to yourself and those you love
• Fear of being left alone, or of having to leave loved ones
• Fear of someone else close to you dying
• Feeling helpless
• Feeling very sad
• Regretting things not done
• Longing for the future that has been lost
• Feeling guilty that you are alive and they are dead

How do people get through the grieving process

Although it may be a cliché to say that time will heal the pain, it is true. It’s important to accept that grieving is a very long process. You may never fully get over the death, but in time you will come to accept it, and cope with the reality. The dead person will always be remembered, sometimes at unexpected moments.

Many people find that crying helps, or talking about it to family and friends. Others just want to be left alone. Some find strength in religion. There are some charities, notably Cruse, that provide information and help in coping. Some people find that talking to their GP helps, but it may be better to seek professional counselling, because doctors rarely have sufficient time available to provide in-depth help.

What you may experience

Someone close to you may have died. You may have been injured yourself or you may have witnessed the death and injury of others. Your experience was a very personal one, but the information here will help you to know how others have reacted in similar situations.

Fear

• Of damage to yourself and those you love.
• Of being left alone, of having to leave loved ones.
• Of 'breaking down' or 'losing control'.
• Of a similar event happening again.
• Helplessness.
• Crises show up human powerlessness as well as strength.

Sadness

• For deaths, injuries and losses of every kind.

Longing

• For all that has gone.

Guilt

• For being better off than others, e.g. being alive or uninjured.
• Regrets for things not done.

Shame

• For having been exposed as helpless, 'emotional' and needing others.
• For not having reacted as you would have wished.

Anger

• At what has happened, at whoever caused it or allowed it to happen.
• At the injustice and senselessness of it all.
• At the shame and the indignities.
• At other peoples’ lack of understanding and inefficiencies.
• "Why me?"

Memories

• Of feelings of loss, or of love, for the other people in your life who have been injured or who have died.

Let down

• Disappointment for all the plans that cannot be fulfilled.

Hope

• For the future, for better times.

Numbness

• Your mind may allow the misfortune to be felt only slowly. At first you may feel numb. The event may seem unreal, like a dream, something that has not really happened. People often see this wrongly as being 'strong' or 'uncaring'.

Dreams

• You may find yourself repeatedly dreaming about what happened.

Accidents

• A disaster may become the main thing that you think about for a long time. The stress of this and the lack of ability to focus on the here and now may make you more accident-prone.

Alcohol and drugs

• The extra tension may lead you to increase your intake of substances that you feel dull the pain temporarily. It is important to seek help if this is happening repeatedly.

It is common to have some or all of these feelings after a disaster and you may experience them immediately or some time later. The feelings can be very strong and frightening, especially if a death was sudden or violent, or a body was not recovered, or if many people died. It can feel as if you are losing control or 'going mad', but for most people the feelings become less intense over time. Many people find that crying can give relief but it is also common to have other responses, such as a desire to be alone.

©Cruse Bereavement Care 2006

External link:

Cruse Bereavement Care Charity